Repeat Cesarean

At my last doctor’s appointment, we discussed my last delivery via cesarean section and decided to plan on this delivery to be a repeat c/s. For the most part, I'm okay with this. I really don't have a choice since it very unlikely that I would even be able to successfully deliver vaginally. We found out through X-rays taken 9 months after Ellie was born (for reasons that had nothing to do with the delivery) that I have a very small pelvis and that it would not likely fit a baby through it. The Orthopedic Surgeon did tell me I should get my OB's opinion also, but his reaction was enough for me. He genuinely acted quite surprised and even called another doctor and some of the nurses in there to look at the x-ray. He also had one of the nurses get another woman's x-ray who was about the same age and put it up next to mine so I could compare the two. Mine was definitely much, much smaller. At least this was a probable explanation for my failure to progress during labor. Everything else was going fine...I was 100% effaced and in my active stage (5 centimeters) when the cesarean was called for. The baby had just never left the position of -3 station. I also had been having contractions for 30 hours and the baby's heart rate starting dropping with each one towards the end.
I was actually grateful when the doctor called for a c/s. I was absolutely exhausted and was worried about the baby and more than ready to meet her. Ellie came out perfect and healthy and I even have some really amazing pictures of the actual birth since my step-mother (a surgery nurse) and sister-in-law (an OB nurse) were both there in the room working during my delivery. My husband still got to be by my side the whole time too. So, overall, it still was a pretty good experience. However, in planning this next cesarean, I realized that I do hold a few mixed feelings about never giving birth vaginally...

1) I don't feel like I "officially" gave or get to give birth. Almost like there is some kind of membership card you get when you actually push a baby out.
2) I think a lot of people who delivered the "normal" way think I did it the "easy" way. In actuality, my epidural wore off when I was 5 centimeters so I did get to experience quite a bit of pain! Not to mention the pain of recovering from surgery.
3) It kind of stinks that I am the one choosing this next baby's birthday instead of the baby (unless it comes before 38 weeks which I hope is not the case). There is something I have romanticized in my head about going into labor on my own and nudging the hubby awake and telling him "honey...it's time...". With my last labor induced and this one scheduled, I will most likely never experience that.
4) With my last c/s I didn't even get to see my baby until 2 hours after delivery, let alone nurse right away. This was the most upsetting thing to me about having a c/s. My new doctor (we have moved to bigger city since then) has assured me that this time, the baby will be in the recovery room with me and I will be able to nurse then...but still not likely in the delivery room.

The good things, though, about this next planned one...

1) I don't have to make the choice about VBAC, a very tough and emotional decision for a lot of women with a previous c/s.
2) Despite not wanting to pick my baby's birthday, knowing when I will deliver definitely helps with the planning for who will take care of Ellie when I am in the hospital.
3) Even though I would like go into labor on my own, knowing that this time there will be no pain leading up to surgery is kind of refreshing.
4) I'm a lot more prepared for what to expect, contrary to last time when I read tons of books but always skipped over the cesarean chapters vowing that it would "never happen to me".

And of course, the best thing of all... I get to have (God willing) yet another perfect, beautiful, healthy baby...so who cares how it comes out! I am so fortunate that I was even able to conceive again and (God willing again) carry this baby to term. It is not how you deliver that makes you a mother, it's the love you have for that amazing little human being. Nothing can take that away. A stork could have shown up and dropped off Ellie in our yard and I wouldn't be any less of a mother to her. I love her more than anything. You have to do what's best for your baby and, in my case (and in the next one), a cesarean is the way to go. I think sharing this has helped me get over my mixed feelings and just realize how darn blessed I am... There's going to be another baby to share that love with soon! Thanks for listening...